Potions and Pageants Read online

  Try-hard was what other students at school called Nan. She had heard them. Try-hard do-gooder Gooding.

  It was awful to think that Octavia might have raised more money than Nan if she had run the beauty pageant. And now Nan was more determined than ever to make it a big success.

  Octavia had turned up at the start of this school year, the only-half vampire in the entire student body, and been immediately popular. Even the Humbles, who had no idea what Octavia was, knew that Octavia was way cool.

  Octavia had everything. Why did she have to be so capable too? Was there nothing wrong with the girl?

  Nan had even swallowed her pride earlier that day and decided to attend Octavia’s party and do her part in raising donations. And to show everyone that she was not jealous. She would have been there right now if it wasn’t for that darn Percy Prince and the car crash she had caused.

  Driving a car aged fifteen and without a license! Imagine the gall! Illegal, irresponsible, ridiculous. That was Persephone Prince all over!

  Nan had been unprepared for the horrid guilt that had settled at the bottom of her stomach ever since she had set eyes on Percy again.

  All these years she had been sure that cutting ties with Percy had been the absolute right thing to do. Even aged just ten, Nan had been doing her very best to make the world a better place. All Percy had wanted to do was get up to mischief and to be grumpy and stomp about the world looking miserable in her ridiculous green hair.

  But a few times these past few years, when Nan and her mum had been driving around London, Nan had seen Percy walking the streets all alone – always alone – and Nan had felt terrible.

  Why couldn’t Percy just get some friends of her own and be happy so that Nan wouldn’t have to huddle low in her car seat and pray that her mother would drive away fast before Percy spotted them?

  And afterwards Nan had always wondered what would happen if she went to knock on Percy’s door. But she never had. Because Percy had always had a way of taking over Nan’s whole life, and Nan feared that she would never amount to anything in life if Percy Prince was shackled to her. And even mummy, who was a veritable saint, said the same thing.

  Right now Nan was feeling woozy and sick and was trying to tell herself it was only the after effects of the car-crash, but she knew it wasn’t. It was something worse.

  Nan stared at her mood board, her daily reminder of the biggest passion project she had ever had in her life, and despite her desire to make it a raving success, she was filled with a doom-like certainty that it would not be.

  Because once again Percy Prince was ruining her life.

  Horrid, awful, simply atrocious memories were coming back to her that did not belong in her head. And yet she knew with absolute certainty that they were her own memories, or at least memories of who she had been before she was who she was now.

  Except there was no difference, because who she had been then was who she was now. It was just that she had forgotten it.

  “Demonling,” she said.

  She groaned to try to make the memories go away, but they would not.

  “Demonling!” she wailed.

  She was horrified, but at the same time she was astonished she could have forgotten.

  The worst thing was that Cherub still loved Demonling every bit as much as Nan had loved Percy.

  And she was Cherub and Nan all rolled into one.

  “Demonling!” she shrieked in despair, because she knew that this new life of hers was about to change forever and there was nothing she could do about it.

  It felt very odd to her to suddenly remember who she had been. She felt grief and resentment, but at the same time she was also filled with a bouncy sense of excitement and energy. Because, oh what a blessed relief this new life of hers was!

  She had never liked living in Hell, and had once dreaded she’d be living in it forever, because that was how long immortals lived.

  And yet now here she was in this brand-new wonderful life in a place where a cool and pleasant breeze was wafting in through the window rather than a hot hellfire-ish wind that felt like it had come straight out of a volcano.

  “Darling, are you alright?”

  Her mother came into her bedroom with a tray of steaming hot sweet tea and a huge slice of chocolate cake slathered in chocolate mousse and drizzled in chocolate sauce.

  Nan looked at that cake and felt like bursting into tears of joy. She had always known that a wonderful life existed somewhere outside of Hell! And she was finally living in it, in the mortal realm, and there was nowhere else that she wanted to be.

  She threw her arms around her mother — Cherub had never had a mother — and squeezed her in a tight hug, and said, “I’m so glad to be here.”

  “So am I, sweetie,” said her mum.

  “Not as much as me,” said Nan in a choked voice,

  Her mum smoothed back Nan’s hair with a look of concern furrowing her brow.

  “But darling, were you calling for Percy just now? You always used to call her Demonling when you were little, which was the oddest thing. But I thought you two weren’t talking anymore?”

  “We aren’t!” said Nan firmly. “I cannot believe she nearly killed us with her stupid antics today. I’m so glad you are okay.”

  Her mother kissed the top of her head. “And we’re so glad you’re okay too, sweetie. Your father had quite the shock when I called him. He’s taking the first flight home from New York and he doesn’t care if his boss is mad that he’s coming home early.”

  Nan let her mother tuck her into her cozy bed in a way she had not done for years, and for what felt like both the first and the thousandth time in her life she dug her fork into the delicious goodness that was a triple decker chocolate cake.

  And when she put it into her mouth and tasted the incredible flavor, it was like tasting it for the first time. She felt like she was in heaven.

  She closed her eyes to savor it. Nothing was going to ruin this. She would not allow it.

  * * *

  Back in her own bedroom, Percy had no chocolate cake. She was feeling grouchy because she was famished, and she was also desperate to speak to Nan.

  Demonling and Cherub. Cherub and Demonling. They belonged together.

  She was absolutely certain that if her memories had come back in this way, Nan’s must have come back too. And if they had not, she was darn well going to make sure that they did.

  She needed to speak with Nan immediately.

  Percy scrolled through the list of contacts in her phone and gave a cry of annoyance. Nan’s home phone number was not in her phone. She must have deleted it years ago.

  With a cry of frustration, Percy tossed her phone down on her bed. She had paced up and down her room ten times before she was struck with an idea.

  Nan was always up to some do-gooding or other. And since do-goodery was usually a community affair, that would be how Percy could find her.

  Percy grabbed her phone again and went on the internet, and indeed found that Nan was still up to her usual do-gooding. She was organizer-in-chief of a charity beauty pageant at Humble High, no less. It was all over social media.

  “Ha!” Percy said when she saw it, because it had Nan’s contact number on it.

  She swiftly dialed it, told Nan off for not calling her before now, and commanded Nan to come over.

  “And bring some food,” she ordered. “What hungers these mortals suffer! I feel like my stomach is eating itself alive!”

  There was a brief moment of silence during which Percy realized what she had said. She had sounded just like the old Demonling. Percy snorted in laughter. How very odd it was to remember how she and Cherub had used to speak to each other back in the old days in Hell.

  The moment of silence on the other end of the phone was distinctly icy.

  “I knew it,” Nan finally hissed. “I should have known I wouldn’t have got my memories back if you had not got yours too.”

  “Oh good,” said Percy. “I
was worried you wouldn’t have!”

  “Damn it!” said Nan.

  “Tut tut, is Cherub cursing?” Percy chided.

  “Oh shut up, Demonling.”

  “Then come over like I told you to, Cherub.”

  “Ask me nicely.”

  “Prettiest of pretty pleases. Please come over Cherub, my lovely.”

  “Oh, shut up.”

  “But you asked me to say it,” said Percy innocently. “Now are you going to come over or what?”

  “I will not!”

  “Why not?”

  “I don’t want to,” hissed Nan into the phone. “And my mother won’t let me.”

  “What mother?” demanded Percy.

  “My mother here in the mortal realm.” Nan sounded offended. “Don’t you dare pretend you don’t know.”

  Percy chuckled. “Hell’s bells,” she said. “And now you know how terrible it is to be shackled to one of those. Luckily for me, my mortal mother likes to stay as far away from my mortal self as possible. Isn’t that wonderful?”

  Nan said something that sounded like, “Hmmpff!”

  “And what do you mean that you can’t get out?” demanded Percy. “It is not like your bedroom does not have a window. Even back in father’s palace you never lived in a hovel of a dungeon. It is not like you need me to come and dig you out!”

  “He is not your father any more. We have new lives now. I don’t want to talk about the old ones. It’s just… just ludicrous! I’m not even sure that it is real.”

  “Of course it is real. Unless you think we are suffering under a shared delusion? Did you and I suffer some shared childhood trauma that I cannot recall?”

  “Not in this life and you know it!”

  “Good, then what are you waiting for? Or did your mum put you down in the basement since I last saw you? Are you living in inescapable squalor from which the only means of escape is a jailbreak?”

  “My bedroom is very nice actually,” said Nan sniffily.

  “Good,” said Percy. “That means you have a window you can climb out of. I shall expect you to arrive forthwith.”

  “Forthwith?” said Nan scathingly.

  “On this occasion it means within the half hour.”

  There was a long pause. And then Nan said, “But I have other things I need to do.”

  “Like what?” Percy demanded.

  “I’ve been organizing a beauty pageant at school if you must know.”

  “Humble High,” said Percy. “I saw. I can’t believe you’re going there. What happened to your grand plans to go to Magicwild Academy?”

  This mention of the most prestigious school of magic in the world brought back Nan’s silence. Magicwild Academy was a wondrous and strange place that Nan had dreamed of attending. Nan was old enough to go now. That she hadn’t was a surprise to Percy.

  The coldness on the other end of the phone grew longer and chillier.

  “Oh, stop it,” said Percy. “Yes, it was a dig. I’m sorry. I didn’t expect you to get in such a huff about it. Well? What happened?”

  “Mum thought it would be better if I was educated in the Humble world,” said Nan primly. “She didn’t like the idea of me losing touch with my Humble heritage.”

  “Hmmpff,” said Percy. “You mean your mum was worried about your dad not liking having two powerful witches in the family.”

  Nan’s dad was a Humble.

  “She was not!” snapped Nan. “Dad is fine with mum being a witch, thanks very much. And mum educates me in magic herself at home. We live in an increasingly divisive world, if you had not noticed. And this way, I can use my magical talents to improve relationships between the Humble and witching communities.”

  “How noble,” said Percy. “Gosh, it’s like you always knew you were a Cherub all along. So how is this recent charity do-gooding going?”

  “The beauty pageant is taking place this week and there’s so much I have left to do. The dress rehearsal is at school tomorrow. But first all the contestants are coming to my house to try on their dresses and practice their talents. And then the first round is on Tuesday and the final round on Friday.”

  “Cool. So—”

  Percy’s attempt to interrupt was run over roughshod by Nan.

  “We were only going to quickly pop into the Ice Cream Quiz,” she said. “And then I was supposed to go shopping with mum to get some more snacks and fresh flowers and drinks and things, and make the house all look nice.”

  The more Nan spoke, the more annoyed Percy got. One would think this beauty pageant was the most important thing in the world!

  “But those plans are scuppered,” Percy said.

  “Thanks to you and your stupid unlicensed, illegal driving of a car!”

  “Exactly. So you can just tell mummy that you’re not feeling well and need to go to bed, and then you can sneak out to come and see me instead,” said Percy firmly.

  “I don’t want to!” said Nan. “We are not in Hell any more, and I’m not your cherub any more. I think that means I don’t have to listen to you.”

  Percy was astonished. “But we’ve been best friends since we were born! In TWO lives. And you wouldn’t have even been made in the first place if it wasn’t for me. Mother wanted a cherub to watch over me and make sure I didn’t go astray. I can’t believe that you’re planning to abandon me. I’m sure Mother would never have sent you here if she didn’t mean for you to continue being my cherub!”

  “I will not!”

  “Yes, you will!”

  “Oh fine!” said Nan, sounding more than a little put out. “But just this once!”

  It was only after hanging up the phone that Percy remembered that Jeeves had made her some lasagna. Feeling much better now, positively sprightly in fact, she went downstairs to eat it.

  She was still munching on a plateful of it when Nan turned up on her doorstep carrying a box of leftover pizza slices. She looked very grumpy indeed, and her expression soured further when she saw Percy with her lasagna.

  “Sorry,” said Percy. “Forgot old Jeevsy made this. You want some?”

  “No thank you,” said Nan primly, and looked expectantly at Percy

  “What’s the problem now?” said Percy.

  Nan shrugged. “Mum will be furious if she catches me out of bed, and so I need to be home asap. What did you want?”

  “She’s not really your mum, remember?” said Percy.

  Nan looked furious. “How dare you say that! Of course she is. She gave birth to me and cared for me my whole life, and I love her! And if you are going to be rude then I shan’t stay here a minute longer!”

  Percy, who had been joking, knew exactly what Nan meant about love. Though she would never admit it out loud, she felt the same about her own mum, Gwendolyn, absent though she might be. And she felt the same about Mr Bramble at the bottom of the garden, who had been so shocked and horrified and upset when Percy had crashed the car. Mr Bramble had in many ways been more of a parent to her than her mother had. She even felt the same about Jeeves, with all of his strange moods, without whom the house would not be a home.

  “Don’t be like that,” she said. “I didn’t mean it. Gosh, you really have lost your sense of humor.”

  “That’s all your fault too.”

  Percy opened the door wide and Nan stomped inside. She paused inside the hallway to look around herself.

  “I forgot what your house was like. I see your mother’s tastes have grown no less lavish.”

  Percy looked around. She supposed the entrance hall with its big gilt-framed paintings and its ornate mirror and the patterned floor tiles and the little fountain with a statue of a nymph frolicking in it were all rather impressive really.

  She shrugged. “Mum still loves to spend her gold. She says it’s a witch’s privilege.”

  “Hmm…” said Nan. “A wealthy witch’s privilege. Let’s not forget that my mum’s a witch too, but we do not have pots of gold dripping out of fountains.”

 
“That’s because your mum married a Humble.”

  “And your mum married no one at all. So what? Don’t bring my dad into it.”

  Percy scowled at Nan. Dads were a sore point. The only thing Percy knew about hers was that she must have inherited her green hair from him. Either that, or it was one of her mum’s spells gone wrong.

  Nan scowled back.

  And then they both cackled in laughter and said simultaneously, “What witch who knew how to wave a wand would ever put up with a man?”

  This was something that Percy’s mum said frequently whenever anyone asked her why she was not married. Gwendolyn particularly liked to say it to men who asked that question. When Percy and Nan had grown old enough to know how outrageous a thing this was to say both to men and to married women, they’d found it hilarious. Gwendolyn had always winked at them after she had said it.

  Percy trilled in laughter in a perfect imitation of her mother and said in her mum’s voice, “Polite company be damned!”

  Nan chuckled. “Gosh, your hell-mother really did put you with the perfect mortal mother here, didn’t she?”

  “She didn’t do a bad job for you either,” Percy retorted. “Do-gooder Gooding. How did I never remember before now that you were once a real life cherub?”

  “Don’t call me that,” said Nan.

  “I can’t believe they stuffed you into the body of do-gooder witch who promptly gave birth to her very own clone of a do-gooder daughter.”

  “If you’re going to be rude about my mum, then I’m out of here.”

  “Sorry, sorry, you know I like your mum.”

  “I can’t say she feels the same about you.”

  “Oh puh-lease. She loves me really.”

  A sudden look of astonished delight crossed Nan’s face. “Ha! Your hell-mother made you a Meek and made me a witch. I can’t believe that in this world, I’ve got something you haven’t!”

  She bounced up and down in glee, clapping her hands and squealing in delight.

  “Stop that!” said Percy, scowling. “I should have known denying me magic was just another way of her teaching me a lesson. And anyway, you’re still my cherub. I’m still the daughter of your lord and master.”